keys to the universe
About a month ago, the universe led me to the understanding that my marriage is obviously over. Like painful, punch in the gut, cry your eyes out until you're nauseous obvious. If you've been through big hurt, you know that it's a very all-consuming place to be. It's draining emotionally, and physically. Especially if you're struggling to face the emotions head on, to stay in the moment and listen to the discomfort, to move through it rather than run away from it.
Apparently, in these 'liminal moments', my tendency is to literally lose my shit. And this go 'round I lost my keys. But being me, I didn't just lose my keys. First I packed up my boys and drove us 45 minutes to a nephew's baseball game, unpacked us, and then realized that I'd lost my keys. My very helpful sister-in-law and I searched for the duration of the baseball game, pulling apart my car and all the stuff inside (thanks Jodee!). I even activated the stupid Bluetooth tracking thing that I have on my key chain for just such an occasion. No luck.
I ended up having to call AAA, where the world's coolest operator explained to me that it was a good thing that my engine had been sputtering (wink, wink) before I lost my keys (wink, wink) since AAA doesn't tow for lost keys. Thank you my automotive angel, whoever you are.
Eventually, everything was fine even if it was a huge pain in the butt. And the good news was I managed to get through it and ask for help where I needed it and accept help when it was offered. And it was all ok, and I was able to move on with grace.
Fast forward to today as I'm unpacking from our camping trip. I pulled my backpack out of the trunk and heard the distinct sound of jingling keys. After some vigorous shaking, and some determined searching, I managed to find the hole in the lining through which the keys had apparently slid and been lodged for the last month.
As I pulled them out, I was overwhelmed with emotion and this bizarre clarity. I had to sit down in the driveway as I started sobbing and laughing. The sun felt warmer, and my heart felt full and broken at the same time. And all I could think to do was sit there and say, 'thank you!'
It felt like a message from the universe. Like a clue or a talisman in an epic adventure. An indication that I'm on the right path, that I'm not losing my mind after all, it's just temporarily misplaced and waiting to be rediscovered. I'm taking it as a sign that, although the trail looks challenging and scary and I don't feel prepared, the tools and tribe that I need will present themselves if I just keep doing the next right thing.
I got new keys when I lost these ones, so I'm going to put them back in the backpack. I think they're good trail luck!